mombrain

Ode to the Sack

In which MomBrain mourns the imminent decline of an old friend ...

I am sorry to report the sad news that the Sack* has entered the early winter of its life. Taking it from the dryer, daylight shone through three small holes that have finally poked their way through the threadbare fabric. And so, it has been retired, and will make appearances on an as-needed basis only.

I am considering a ceremony, a frame, a Hook of Honor. But mostly I am just considering how sad I am.

*sack (sak) n. [Middle English, from Old English]
     1. A sweatshirt of extremely unflattering proportions
     2. Lucky writing clothes
     3. A warm substitute for flannel pajamas
     4. When rolled into a ball, a squishy pillow for napping under one's desk
See also muu muu, Omar the Tentmaker, man repellent.

A Blog Warming Party

Dear Friends,

Thank you for coming to my blog warming party! As you can see, I have finally moved out of the Blogger ghetto and into a spacious TypePad condo. My old Blogger place had some broken pipes and frequent blackouts, and the landlord was not responding to my pleas for help. So MomBrain hightailed it out of there.

Like most moves, this one was messy and took much longer than we expected. (And I mean "we" in the royal sense. MomBrain is nothing if not delicate and princess-like.) It may be a while before we unpack the boxes marked "Archives." And we haven't found our links yet. But it's liveable for now, so please ... pardon our dust and make yourself comfy.

An Open Letter to God

In response to this dad's pledge to raise violent four-year-olds:

Dear God,

I know that You and I have not been on speaking terms for many years now. So I would not pipe up now if I weren't truly, truly desperate. I am here to make a deal. I will raise my 5-year-old son in the most violent manner possible so that he may Slayeth the hand of the Serpenteth if You will somehow grant me:

One. Solid. Night's. Sleep. No boy in my bed. No cat frittering at the birds at 4:30, then crying to be fed at 5:30. No snoring husband. Oh - and clean sheets would be a plus.

An instant 20-pound weight loss. No, wait - make it 25. I need the buffer.

A new iPod. Yes, I need it.

A hermetically sealed, locked box for the guilt I feel every time I read a book, take a long shower, and phone my sister.

An identical hermetically sealed, locked box for the stress I feel every time I see my stack of unread books, sniff my armpits, and get desperate "Are you okay?" email from my sister.

A deep and abiding friendship with New York City's most influential editors and publishers.

A staff, including a personal cook, housekeeper, nanny, financial manager, and Girl Friday. On second thought, maybe I just need a wife.

A lock on my office door.

Time. Space. Energy.

Hugs and kisses - Marjorie

Drunken Silliness

A big smooch to all of MomBrain's drunken companions who left their favorite hangover remedies in the last post. I'm afraid MomBrain is just not that experienced with hangovers. My only truly drunken rampage occurred on a cruise ship and it was all my sisters' fault. After throwing me down on the Lido deck, Sister K put her foot on my delicate princess-like neck and Sister N poured tequila down my throat for several hours. And Sister L is not without responsibility. She was 8 months pregnant and just stood by laughing and laughing her jelly belly laugh.

I am here to tell you that MomBrain is a very cheerful and talkative drunk. I am also here to thank Sisters N and K for saving my alcohol-poisoned, dying self the next morning by throwing me into a cold swimming pool. I was not the only bloated seal floating face down under the water slide, but I was perhaps the most grateful and the most resolute: I Will Never Get Drunk Again.

Shout Outs

Here at Hotel MomBrain we are entertaining Sister K of Citizen's Rent. Sister K is smart. Wicked smart. She also has wicked strong hands, which makes MomBrain and her achey breakey back wicked happy. Sister K also makes the Little Guy wicked happy, because she always shows up with her PlayStation. LG doesn't watch a lot of TV or play many computer games, so a visit from Aunt K is an absolute pigfest of screen time. He is pie-eyed but happy.

Shout Outs ... And speaking of cool aunts, here's a shout-out to Aunt P, whom I have not laid eyes on since I was a star-struck 13-year-old. Aunt P was young, pretty, and wore fabulous boots. She also had serious attitude, and inspired absolute devotion from her nieces and nephews. I'm not sure she ever knew how much we adored her. Here's to you, Aunt P! Mwah! Mwah!

Heaven on Earth

Waterlogged Seattle-ites know that when it's pure sunshine and 60 degrees in early March, you just gotta get outside and kick it up. And so we are - going to brunch at a friend's house on Vashon Island, which includes a ferry boat ride, a waterfront view, and short sleeves. Oh yes, my friends - MomBrain is doing the happy dance.

And since four-year-olds do not believe in brunch, the Big Guy has taken the Little Guy to iHop for a funny face pancake. LG is wearing his Batman cape in case any bad guys show up. It's reassuring to know we have a 3-1/2 foot superhero on our side.

Hold Your Applause

MomBrain will be attempting more frequent updates in the next few weeks. Why, you ask? It's simple: I want to test a theory. Sister K says more frequent updates = more readers. I say more frequent updates = more tired mommies who just don't have time to read everything so they give up in despair (i.e. fewer readers). So let's give it a try, shall we? (And while you're holding your applause, please do feel free to throw twenty-dollar bills.)

In Other News ... We have bid ciao to our charming Italian houseguest. In less than two weeks he has managed to line up an apartment, furniture, a bike, and a bank account - all in a country where the money, language, and food are completely foreign.

My personal theory is that we chased him out with the coffee. American and Italian coffee are two different beasts entirely, and after his first polite cup of dishwater here he's been allergic to everything but triple espressos at McStarbucks. Polite refusals don't stop MomBrain, though - I make dishwater every morning for him, press it upon him, and pretend that it's fine, just fine when he refuses.

The Mechanics of Italian

Quick, does anyone know how to say "Tonka Joe" in Italian? "Tonka Giuseppe" is all we can think of, but our charming Italian houseguest only shakes his head. Perhaps in despair.

Wowie!!!

Today we are very excited! And we are using short sentences! That's because I am spending lots of time with a 4-year-old! He has an ear infection! Owie!!! We are lying on the couch! We are watching Bob the Builder! Can he fix it? Yes, he can!!!

Wish List

I wish I could ...

play the flute
play the guitar
live closer to family
become a famous essayist
write a column
have more time to read
meet Caitlin Flanagan
live in New York or Boston again
sleep better
eat without thinking about calories
make genealogy trips more often
organize a huge family reunion
run again
swim more often
find time to get new workout shoes
figure out my digital camera
go to a flea market
wiggle my Bewitched nose to clean my house
ski like crazy
drink coffee and tea 24/7
stunt the Little Guy's growth
be an artist
turn my garage into my very own creative studio
get more massages
get by on 6 hours of sleep or less
speak Spanish
go to Mexico without getting sick
find more time to play with Photoshop
wear a short skirt
read without reading glasses
look for sea glass on a warm beach

What's on your wish list?